


Two Heads Are Better Than One

by Devilbaby



Category: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes (Downey films)
Genre: Crack, Gen, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 14:33:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4525701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devilbaby/pseuds/Devilbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the kinkmeme prompt: Holmes' tongue is a penis</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Heads Are Better Than One

**Author's Note:**

> It was late and I was tired

Years spent living (and coping) with the many eccentricities of London's foremost detective and John Watson - doctor, veteran, writer and long suffering companion - had thought there was nothing left in the world that could shock him. The rooms catching fire had become habitual. Life-threatening situations were routine. To the odd chemical concoctions and their malodorous vapors that lay strewn about the sitting room he batted nary an eyelash. Even that awkward business with the tentacle monster last spring had seemed blase after a day or two. 

But he was swiftly learning that there were still times, even now, when his friend's reasoning could baffle him. This was one of those times.

"I beg your pardon?" He asked, in the vain hope there had somehow been a terrible misunderstanding. 

Sherlock Holmes - friend, confidant, logician, detective and unparalleled nutter - repeated his story and waited with a customary self satisfied grin for the moment when Watson's inferior brain caught up and the doctor poured adulation upon the Great Detective's latest brilliant scheme.

Watson blinked slowly. Twice.

"Well," asked Holmes, his confidence never wavering, "what do you think?"

Watson stared at him. His mind groped around for something to latch onto, some shred of logic that would help the world make sense again. It failed. Perhaps, he thought a bit desperately, if he re-established the facts reason would dawn...

"Now let me get this straight" He said slowly, "you had your tongue surgically removed, and replaced with your genitalia?"

"Exactly!"

It was no use, reason failed him. Reason bludgeoned him over the head with a stick, stole his pocket watch and ran away laughing. Like a good Englishman he fell back on politeness.

"May I inquire as to the purpose?"

"Oh Watson...do you not see? What can you deduce of a man who keeps his genitals in his mouth?"

As it happened, a good many 'deductions' came to him in the moment. He went with the safe bet. "That he should take great care when drinking hot soup?"

Holmes rolled his eyes in exasperation, as though it should be perfectly obvious to anyone why a man would wish to walk around all day with a cock in his mouth. But Watson was mystified, for while he was not unnameable to the idea himself, he would much rather the cock in question not be his own. 

"I think you'd best explain it to me, old boy."

Holmes smiled and gave an indulgent nod of his head; the Rajah granting his humble courtier a favor and really, no one should look that imperious with a prick in their mouth. 

"My dear fellow," he began, taking on what Watson had come to recognize as 'the lecture pose', "As you well know, the world of the physical -and, to a great degree, the emotional - holds little interest for me. I prize my mental powers above all else, and live solely for the stimulation of the mind--are you all right?" Here he cast a sharp glance at the doctor who upon hearing these last words had choked on his tea.

"Yes, yes," sputtered Watson, the voice in his head fixed somewhere between a laugh and a sob, "tea's a bit hot is all. Do continue."

Holmes made a face at having been interrupted mid stream, but obliged. "- and it is a well established fact that not matter the degree of intelligence the brain does not function at full capacity without a sufficient supply of blood. It is also a fact that a man's genitals direct the flow of blood away from the brain, causing a lack of focus and clear thinking. Therefore-"

"You thought to remedy the situation by attaching one head to the other?"

The detective looked smug. "Indeed."

"So...you're saying it was a necessary procedure for the sake of your profession."

"Precisely so."

Watson considered this and was forced to give it up for a lost cause. At some point when he wasn't looking the world had gone mad. He sighed and packed his tobacco pipe with the air of a man resigned to his fate. Then a thought occurred to him. "If that is the case, then what happened to your tongue?"

Holmes glanced down. "Let us simply say I do not think Mrs. Hudson will ever again ask me to test taste her custard."


End file.
